I am not someone who has ever been depressed. I guess you can say I have been very lucky in my life. Up until this point, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I am lucky to have a partner who doesn’t make me feel like it is my fault. I understand that at the end of the day, I did not choose to be this way. Just as someone with cancer doesn’t choose to be sick. Sometimes our bodies betray us. In a really weird way, until this all happened, I didn’t realize how lucky I have been in my life.
Most mornings now I wake up and my first thought is, not again. I have to do this all over again? I peel myself out of bed, shower, get dressed, and go into work. I try to stay busy. I try to also remember that a lot of people have it worse than me. There are moments I am at my desk and the worst feeling of hopelessness washes over me. I feel like I almost can’t breath.
After this past failed IVF my nurse Ally (who has been a saint for putting up with me and my sometimes daily emails and millions of questions) called me to let me know that my case went to cycle review. This means all 6 of the REs get together and talk about the cases that failed. What could they do differently? Should doses or meds be changed? I requested that my case go before the other docs. I have felt since October, when our first IVF failed, that our doctor gave up on us. C always reminds me that he is my doctor, not cheerleader, but either way I wish my doctor had more faith in me. Am I really that screwed? Am I his worse case? I see 40 year old women in the waiting room. I can’t be the worst case.
Ally informed me that at cycle review it was decided and strongly suggested that I use donor eggs. This folks, is my worse fear: that I would not be able to have my own genetic biological child. ME?! ME?! Me. I have pictures of me and C as babies around the house. I love genealogy. I find it fascinating how genes are passed down. I truly feel that people who have passed on before me would be reborn in my child. I always wondered what my baby would look like. Would it look like me? Would it look like my mom? Would it look like my grandfather? To say my heart broke when she said those words would be an understatement.
I am still not sure If I can even fully wrap my head around it. I want more than anything to be able to have a child with my husband. Half me, half him. That’s why he married me. That’s why I married him. After we are long gone, that will be our legacy. Our genes will be passed down. I understand the whole nature vs nurture debate, but to be honest, I don’t want to hear it right now. My dreams and hopes are gone. I have dreamed of having my own baby since I can remember.
How is it that so many people who don’t even want kids or deserve them because they are such terrible humans, have babies so easily?
I listened to my nurse, but I explained that I am not ready to do donor eggs. I explained this several times to my doctor when he brought it up after my first failed cycle. Again, I am not 40 years old. How is it that there are no good eggs left? Are they not even going to consider my last cycle that was somewhat “successful”? What happened to my two beautiful embryos? How do we know that won’t happen again? She told my doc that we want to try at least 1 or 2 more times. Plus, I have new insurance now, so how could we not at least try to use up the 2 “free” chances we have been given?