everything was falling into place.

I did it right. We did it right. We were smart about not getting pregnant before it was “time”. We went to college, we graduated, we got jobs, saved our money, and bought a house. Everything was falling into place as I imagined since I was little. There is a natural progression to how life is supposed to go, and I thought we were well on our way.

While we were on our honeymoon,  I remembered  we had a discussion about discontinuing my birth control pills. I was on my last pack so we decided after that month, away they would go. After 14 years of religiously taking this small little pill, I would be free from my 6:00 pm commitment to swallow this “say no to babies” pill.

There is a reason I was on the pill for so many years. It was strictly to manage the pain I would endure from my periods. I remember being 14 or so and sitting in the nurse’s office, in fetal position rocking back and forth from the pain. Each month, like clockwork, I would get my dreaded period and my Mom would have to leave work to get me and bring me home. We never really knew why I experienced such intense pain, but I would manage and get by until the next month came around. I think in the back of my head I always worried that it was a sign of something bigger.

In 7th grade I became friends with a girl who was diagnosed with endometriosis (a condition resulting from the appearance of endometrial tissue outside the uterus and a cause of severe pelvic pain). I just assumed this is what I had. She went on to have three pregnancies and conceive just fine. The only way to be diagnosed is through a laparoscopy. My pain only really occurred the first day of my cycle so I never thought it was necessary to look further into it.

So after we got back from our trip, we decided we would start trying. I knew from 6th grade health class that it could take a few months depending on how well we timed it all. It is a true science.  And of course, my body had just been on hormones for 14 years to prevent pregnancy. As many people may or may not know, there are only 2-3 days during each month where a woman can become pregnant. Easy enough. I downloaded an app on my phone that my friend was using to help track when you are fertile. We tried and tried and tried. Month after month I would proclaim “Ok! It’s time.” The app seemed to work very well for my friend who on her first month of trying, conceived twins.

Shortly after our wedding I found out my parents, who had been together for 32 years were divorcing. I decided on our honeymoon that my baby, our child, who still wasn’t real yet, would heal us. New life would distract my mother from her grief. I would be the one to fix our family through this baby.


Author: JPK

29 MWF in search of motherhood.

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