My mother in law has been so supportive to me during this time. She has been blessed with healthy and handsome children and a beautiful life. She has also experienced a lot of loss. She is a good listener and provides a different way to look at any given situation. Recently, I told her that we may have to start considering donor eggs. She wrote me a note and her words helped me start to see things a bit differently:
What I say here I say with full appreciation that I have not been in your shoes and cannot really know what you’re feeling, so please understand that I say this with full respect and humility. I know it is not your choice and it is a very hard and painful decision to make, but I guess I see the use of a donor egg as your way out of infertility and through your grief. He or she may not have your DNA but what a parent passes on to her child is so much more than that. All of your family history and culture and traditions and foods and language–all of that you will still pass on to your child. Your children will reflect your beautiful spirit because you modeled it for them, your kindness and compassion and empathy and joy. What you brought to C’s life you will bring to your children’s, whether they grow from your egg or someone else’s. You will live on through them. Love you.
I’m glad I have these words to read over and over when I’m feeling very confused and conflicted. As true as her words are, it is an innate feeling to want to carry your own child who is genetically linked to you. I’m not saying that my genetics are somehow amazing and they should be passed down, but I feel that it is my God given right and it’s not fair that it has been taken away from me before I can even try.
You often hear of siblings or twins who were separated at birth. They never met and may not even know about each other. But once they do meet, their mannerisms are the same, the way they talk is the same, and they have similar interests. Genetics. There is no denying them. If we decide to use a donor egg, I would be grateful that they will be able to know at least part of where they come from .