rest easy, babies.

After round 2 (but really round 1 of making it to retrieval) we decided to keep going. We didn’t really take a break. I got my period, and we started round 3. This would be our last shot with insurance. The big box of meds showed up AGAIN at my door. We started the nightly shots, I missed a lot of hours of work, cried a lot of tears.

At this point we decided to start telling our family. It was very clear that we needed support and prayers and anything at this point. It was becoming real. There is so much healing in being honest and telling your story, but also so much pain in letting the words leave my mouth. Once the words were said, it was true. This was our truth. This was our life.

Round 2 (attempt 3 of IVF, and attempt 5 at trying to get pregnant with the help of others) we got 3 eggs. THREE! This was amazing. We were so excited. In the moments we felt excitement, we would quickly remind ourselves to take it in stride… never get too happy and never get too sad. But when do you celebrate? When do you start having hope? My angel OR nurse, Laura, called me after my retrieval. She wasn’t supposed to, but she knew how worried I was. I had fallen asleep on the couch after C went back to work and Laura called to tell me that all three eggs were mature! This was it. This is happening. She told me should we call the next day, as they usually would, to see if the eggs fertilized.

The next day (I made sure this time to leave work early to get the call in case it was bad) Laura called. I knew if it was her voice it was good. Docs are the ones who call with the bad news. She informed me that the 2 of the 3 fertilized. I couldn’t believe it. Was I dreaming? Looks like I was showing DOR who was boss. They told me they would let the embryos grow until day 3, and then transfer them. Usually they grow until day 5, but they figured that “mother’s uterus” is the best oven. So, I took the day off from work, and went to get my two “babies” put in.

C and I met with the doctor that was working that day. He showed us the picture of them.They were beautiful and perfect 3 day blasts. He said they were textbook perfect: 8 cells and high quality ratings. We were elated. I felt proud. I think we both felt like proud parents already.
They brought me into the OR, C had to stay behind, and I watched them put both “babies” in me. How cool is technology?! 10 minutes and I was done. I was told to act as if I was pregnant, be on bed rest that day, don’t drink, don’t take Advil, and my test would be in about 14 days. You hear about the TWW (2 week wait). It is the purest form of hell. You play mind games. Every movement you feel in your body makes you wonder if you are crazy or if you felt them implant.
I went to work every day and just tried to stay busy. I got to day 12 and decided to test. C and I both read a million blogs and google searches and some said if you are pregnant, especially with twins, it most likely will be positive. So, I took my 100th pregnancy test and it was negative. I told C and we thought that maybe it was still too early . We didn’t feel good about it but we also still had some hope. I went for my blood test “Beta Test” 2 days later. I couldn’t just keep leaving work to take these calls so I left my phone at home that day so C and I could hear the message together.
I rushed home and ran in, got my phone, and C and I stood there as I pressed play. The second we heard the tone of her voice we knew. She went on to say she was so sorry but it was a no. We had already been let down when we took the pregnancy test at home two days before, so we tried to prepare ourselves. Even though we knew in her heart that it was probably a no, hearing it from her really sealed the deal. All of our work up until that point didn’t count for anything.
Up until that point I had kept the picture of my embryo babies on the fridge. I walked over to the fridge, picked up the picture, kissed it and placed it into my ever growing orange medical folder, that seemed to have more pages than the Oxford dictionary. Rest easy my babies. I loved you even though you were only a few cells. You were still a part of the two of us. And that counted for something.

Author: JPK

29 MWF in search of motherhood.

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