groundhog day.

Round 4: Yes, the big box of meds showed up AGAIN. We were starting to become experts. I became obsessed with researching what drugs did what. Again, my way to be in control.

I was the kid that moved my bedroom around each month, not because I was destined to be an expert interior designer, but because this was my way to have control. So, just like rearranging my bedroom, I created a system of checking off which drugs we did each night from my list. I used a pencil to check it was done and a highlighter to cross off the day. It may sound silly but there was so much power in checking things off the list. C often told me to “keep knocking down the obstacles, J.” There were so many obstacles. I often would cry in between shots, mostly because they hurt and burn, but also because I would let my mind wander and freak out about how many more times I would have to do this.

We went to our appointments, I would get blood drawn sometimes 4-5 times a week, my arms would be so bruised from the blood draws that it looked like I was a drug addict. Our goal was to make it to retrieval again. I can’t believe I had to start over from the beginning and take all the drugs three times.
I started to know the nurses by name in the OR at the clinic. They knew the routine when I came in. They would give me the IV, not let me look at it or I would pass out, get me to the OR and start talking about how amazingly hot Justin Timberlake is as I drifted off to sleep. Sounds silly, but anything to get my mind off of what was happening, again.
I woke up, sobbing as usual. This time was my best yet. So much promise. I had 6 follicles. They were able to get 4 eggs. When I woke up I was crying tears of sadness, and relief, but mostly sadness. I felt disappointed by the 4. Why not 5 or 6? I started to get greedy. Remember the first time I was elated that I got 2? I demanded more from my body this time.
I went home and tried to rest. This was my hardest retrieval yet. I felt so bloated and uncomfortable. I think is was because it was the most follicles I have had. Each one was anywhere from 11 mm-26 mm. That times 6 is a lot of stuff in your stuff! It is like something putting a bunch of marbles in your belly. It hurt to even sit on the couch.
The next day, groundhog day, (how ironic) I was at work and I waited for the call. Usually the calls come after 1:00 pm.  At 9:00 am I went to visit my co worker in her office. I wanted to tell her how it all went. She is my only person at work who knew at the time. Mid talking to her my phone rang. I knew the second I heard the voice it wasn’t good. To be honest all I heard was a man’s voice, and I knew it was my doctor, and I knew if he was calling, it was bad. Nurses call with good news, docs call when it’s bad.
Once again,  he went on to say they had nothing. How could there be nothing? We had 4 eggs. He told me that 3 fertilized, and of the 3, 2 stopped growing after the sperm was injected and 1 fertilized abnormally. He mentioned that it still may continue to grow, but it didn’t look good. All I heard was he said he would call in a day or so to let me know if the embryo continue to grow. I wasn’t going to hold my breath. I hung up and went from my normal state of shock when I am given bad news, to uncontrollable sobbing, in my friend’s office at work. How fun. How was this happening again? How were we so unlucky AGAIN?! I collected myself, left her room and went outside to call C.
To be the one who breaks the news and be the reason the news is bad is too much to bear. The second I heard his voice I just started sobbing again. I felt so sorry for him. I just felt so sorry for us. I felt so responsible and strangely embarrassed. I cried, he listened, I got mad, he got mad, he assured me that we would not give up and I went right back into work, as nothing happened.
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Author: JPK

29 MWF in search of motherhood.

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