“we must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope”- MLK

After my internal exam and C’s second analysis, we knew it wasn’t good. The thing I dreaded most…it was me. I was the reason WE were not parents yet. Months and months of peeing on countless ovulation sticks, trying day after day, followed by negative pregnancy tests, we were told that my AMH and FSH levels were very low. Low like I wasn’t 28 but more like 40. How is this possible? I am healthy. I always got a period, it always came on time, very painful but came on time. How was this happening? I was assigned a RE Doctor, Doc E and a Nurse, Ally and a day to meet with both of them. C and I went in, nervous and thinking “how did we get here?” We took a seat and were ready to hear what he had to say. He wanted to do another eternal exam to see things for himself. And there it was. Confirmation that we were about to start the longest journey of our lives…

He went on to explain that I didn’t have many antral follicles for whatever reason and he diagnosed me with “Diminished Ovarian Reserve”. When the words came out of his mouth, I felt numb. I could hear that he was talking, but nothing he was saying made sense. His words seemed jumbled. A wave came crashing over me and I felt like I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t even look at C, who was sitting to my right. I was so ashamed. I wanted to run out of the room. I felt tears filling my eyes but tried to keep cool. C asked a few questions and then the doctor suggested I start with an IUI to see what happens. I would take a small pill 1x a day for 5 days. I would start on the 3rd day of my next period. This would tell my body to develop more than one egg which would hopefully give me a better chance of conceiving.
The protocol was for me to pee on an ovulation stick every day until I  got a positive. I would then call The Center and would go in the following morning for the IUI. I remember having to pee so badly around 4:30 at work one day. You are supposed to hold your bladder for 2 hours before taking the ovulation test. I guess I didn’t time my water intake right because I couldn’t even make the 5 minute drive home to pee. I ran downstairs to the bathroom at work, got out my tests (yes, I had one in my purse just in case) and I peed. I saw a smiley face, so that means I was about to surge/ovulate. The following morning we went in. I remember being so excited and I told myself, “Ok! this is it… it probably will work.” Following the IUI I would have to wait 12 excruciatingly long days to see if it worked. On day 12, I would take a test. Who am I kidding? I started testing on day 9. I just couldn’t wait. When you test early and its negative you can play tricks on your mind, telling yourself there is still hope. I have become an expert at this.
Long story short, the IUI didn’t work. I knew there was only a 15% chance (which for those of you who don’t know, is about the same probability as trying naturally for those with no infertility diagnoses). At this point I didn’t feel completely hopeless. I just told C no worries, we would get it right the next time.

Author: JPK

29 MWF in search of motherhood.

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