whose life is this?

I told myself after the first failed IUI that it would probably happen the next time, and if not, then for sure it would happen after the first IVF.

Something started happening to me. I noticed I started changing. I don’t mean the hot flashes that would wake me up all night from the Clomid, but I felt that I was starting to lose myself – my usual, happy go lucky self. Everyone who knows me knows I’d rather be with people than alone. I am an extrovert. I get my energy from those around me. I started feeling like I was the only one in the world going through this. I knew this wasn’t true, and would be reminded of it every time I went in to the Center for an appointment. It was alwats busy. But nevertheless I felt alone, confused, hopeless and lost.
Anytime I was invited to a wedding or baby shower or a girls night out, I found myself driving to the event rehearsing what I would say in my head if anyone asks those dreaded questions that come about a year after you get married: “So! when are you having kids?”, “Do you want kids?”, ” Well, are you guys trying?” Yeah..some idiot actually asked that. Just wait, this idiot strikes again almost a year later. I would rehearse over and over “oh, haha… yeah… um, well we still want to travel, and uh yeah… we are still young!” Or depending on how passive aggressive I felt that day and who asked, I would say “Oh God, kids, ehhh I enjoy my sleep too much.” I understand that people think they are just making conversation. But what I realize now more than ever is, I was probably once that idiot who would ask if someone was having more kids, or why they didn’t want number 2. Who was I to ask those questions? How do I know if they just suffered a horrible traumatizing miscarriage?
After the first IUI, came the second IUI. I started to have to miss work and lie to coworkers. We are pretty close in my office and it became very apparent that I was starting to miss more and more time. I decided to avoid questions, I emailed my coworkers and explained I was going through something personal, medical, and I wasn’t dying, but I also didn’t want anyone to ask my questions. For the most part, everyone respected that.
After the second IUI failed our doctor wanted to meet with us again.  I started to dread meetings with this guy. Nothing he ever said was good. He just always looked like he was going to give us bad news. We walked in, my head hanging and I was reluctant to hear what he was going to say. Dr. E told us our best chance was IVF. God. 3 letters but they packed a huge punch. IVF. We took a deep breath, asked a few questions and tried to  understand what was about to happen.
We took a deep breath and started the journey.

Author: JPK

29 MWF in search of motherhood.

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