The reality that this could take many more years and I could go through IVF several more times with the same outcome is really hitting me. I want to spend my coming years as a Mom, not a infertility patient. It’s time I start really considering a donor. This is all happening so fast, but I think we found her. If we do this, I think this is who we will choose. We started looking last night, not expecting to find anyone. I had already looked at another bank site and nobody was doing it for me. As much as I will be the mother, I feel like I’m looking for someone to almost replace me. It’s a hard pill to swallow. What it comes down to is this… I either want to carry a child badly enough or I don’t. And I do, so deeply it hurts.
Their personal statement matters to me, almost as much as their medical history. And the reason why is because that is the way we can connect to them. It is as if they are talking to us. There was not a picture of her, so we had no idea what she would look like. This is what we did know about NEL (NICE EGG LADY): She is 21, 5’7, 130 lbs – she has brown and hair green eyes – she is of Austrian, Swedish, Norwegian and German decent (we have the German thing in common, but that’s about it as far as our family history).
C was sitting next to me on the couch reviewing the packet of info we were just given by the doctor. When I found her, I started reading through her personal statement. I have heard other woman say they just “knew” when they found the right donor. I couldn’t imagine how that would ever happen to me. Especially since I wasn’t seriously looking. I didn’t even want to know what my options were really. I didn’t even want to look.
I kept reading though. From the first few sentences of NEL’s profile, we both could tell she was different than the others. This was a first, as the other profiles we read through seemed dull and rushed. It was just so odd for us. We have never even done online dating. So looking at pictures of 20-something-year-old girls just felt weird.
It was like we both just felt it and knew. It’s hard to explain. One issue. We had no pictures of her. We joked that she couldn’t be THAT bad… Or deformed. (yeah..we’re going to hell). C saw that we could fill out a form to request both baby and adult pics. So I submitted a consent form and received an email from the coordinator.
My heart started to race when I saw what the email was about. She is a new donor, as of April 2016 and she had 3 cohorts of eggs available. In each cohort there was 6 eggs. We would be getting one or two cohorts. Which means other families will get her other eggs (ah, kinda weird! Half siblings all over the world. But that isn’t a bad thing). I saw an attachment and my hand started shaking. I clicked on it and there she was. Meanwhile, I am at work sitting at my desk in a room with 10 people. I couldn’t even think straight. I sent the pics to C. These are the days I wish we could just leave work and our responsibilities and be together to talk.
I will not be sharing her picture online, as it is against our contract we signed and we want to respect her privacy. What I can tell you is her nose and cheeks are similar to mine, as well as her teeth and face shape. We have about the same color eyes and hair. I think that is best we can do…she’s not me, but she’s similar. Most of these girls had terrible selfie pictures that they shared and rushed answers to questions. She shared three very nice pictures. Another thing was important to me is she is a natural beauty. She didn’t have any makeup on in these pictures and I can relate to that :o) She wrote beautifully in her personal statement, had very high SAT scores, appears to be a kind and caring person, a good sense of humor, athletic, driven (currently enrolled as a pre-med student) and has many ambitious, admirable traits. We can be proud of her, and so can our children.
We are still in the beginning stages. I put a “hold” on her, which lasts 2 days. Seriously that’s all I get? 48 hours to decide. Do we buy the eggs for $28k and just keep them in case my cycle doesn’t work? We don’t want to lose her.
It just takes 1…feeling hopeful.