My wish for this time next year is that I am holding my newborn writing about how I never thought I could feel such love for someone, and how thankful I am that this journey led me to this beautiful baby.
My fears are still very real right now. Even though we have purchased the eggs, I still feel like “go time” is forever away. It is all happening so fast but at the same time it’s taking forever. I just want to know what we are dealing with. How many eggs will fertilize? How many will grow properly and look “good” at day 5? My guess is I would have a June/July transfer. That is my hope.
After more discussions tonight with my sister and C, it is becoming clearer that I need to move on. If I have a healthy pregnancy and decide I want to give my eggs another try, I can.
I don’t fear not loving my future child. I do fear that I will mourn the loss of my own biological children forever. Will I look at my child and think, God, they look nothing like me? Will they look like me at all, perhaps by some chance our Nel’s features that resembled mine are passed down? And most of all will any of this silliness matter once we are face to face with our child that we created?