ouch.

The dreaded but long awaited night is here. My first progesterone shot in my back/upper butt muscle. Yay wahoo yay. No enthusiasm over here tonight folks, sorry. I usually feel pretty strong mentally until it gets to this shot. The whole thing sucks. And when I’m leaning over the counter and C has the huge needle drawn and ready to go into my back, I get so mad and sad and angry. I really hate to say why me? and complain, but this shot and this point in my cycle gets me every time. It stirs up every ounce of anger and sadness I have in me that I try to keep tucked away daily. During prior cycles I found it helpful to  talk more about each step to people. Whether it was talking out my schedule or anticipating my next appointment, it seemed to help. In hindsight maybe it didn’t help. Maybe it just gave me something to do. This time I really just have zero interest in discussing it at all. There is nothing new to talk about. I have even found it hard to write on the blog, but try to remind myself that writing is cathartic. I also want to keep you all in the loop. But at the end of the day, I feel like I’ve talked it to death and it’s just the same old: We get a schedule, we get our meds protocol, I get blood drawn and ultrasounds many times a month, shots nightly and it’s just the same damn thing and same symptoms on repeat. It’s like a nightmare that you have every month, or a song that is on repeat and you can’t find power off button. Until I have new news, I don’t see this changing.

Before the shot I have to ice my back for about 10 minutes, which is super uncomfortable. The goal is to make my skin numb. While doing this, I have to keep the shot (with the cap on the needle) under my armpit to make the progesterone oil body temperature so it goes in easily. After my back is numb and the oil is warm, we have to also warm up a heating pad for after the shot. It helps walking in place and holding the heating pad on the injection site to have the oil absorb in the muscle. 

I will have to get this shot in my back every night until the week of September 25th… Ugh. And as much as it sucks and makes me want to scream, cry and punch the wall, if I am still doing this shot nightly in August and September that means I’m pregnant. So whata ya gonna do?? If this is what it takes, I’m doing it. 

Currently I’m feeling scared and annoyed and mad and sad and hopeful and excited and scared. The fear that I could be doing all of this AGAIN and have nothing to show for it makes me want to puke and scream. I have had 6 no’s. I don’t want a 7th no. But really it is more like 20+ no’s. We can’t forget about every single month we tried and tried and tried and the test was always a negative.

For now, I’m trying to watch tv to get my mind off of it all. Still so many days to go until we know anything. So many shots to get and blood draws to be done and my back aches already just from 1 progesterone shot.  

My closing thought for this post: This kid better not be a brat!

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Author: JPK

29 MWF in search of motherhood.

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