positively positive. 

(pictured:adorable card for my aunt)

How do I even begin? I feel scared, excited, blessed, happy, lucky, in shock, mentally exhausted.  repeat….. WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!

(shhhhh!!!! only people following this blog know for now..the rest of the world will have to wait until the end of September)

I never thought I would be able to say those words, although I had fantasized about it for almost two years. Only knowing for less than a week now, we are still in shock. I am already googling if I can eat this or that. I don’t want to screw anything up. C and I decided Tuesday night July 19, 2 nights before or Beta test, that we would test, the way normal couples do. We wanted to find out for ourselves and not be told by the nurse. This is the first time I have ever seen C stressing out about anything in almost 12 years of knowing him. He and I agreed it was best to take the test. We are so glad we did. We got to experience the shock and excitement that most couples get to go through every day around the world. I peed, he took the stick and dipped it, and I walked away. I looked for a second and didn’t see much. I was like “Oh great! Here we go again.” And I look back and I could tell on his face. I will never forget that moment. It was positive. I thought I was dreaming. I actually pinched my arms just to make sure. I just started screaming “NO NO NO WHAT WHAT WHAT DID YOU DO IT RIGHT?!!! C!!!! C!!!!! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! IS IT REAL?!” Honest to God, I looked like a lunatic. His hands were shaking and he said, “Omg its positive, did I do it right??” He picked up the directions again and studied them. The paper shook in his hands. We hugged and screamed (I screamed) and balled our eyes out. Just to make sure, I took 2 more! They were both a year expired but I figured what the heck. Those were also positive.

 Then the next morning I took the other new test that was in the fresh pack…positive. As much as we wanted to scream it from the roof tops, we still needed the Beta test Thursday to be good. When they test your blood for HCG, the number needs to be over a 5 to be pregnant. I believe they like to even see it as high as 100. We both left work early and sat together and called the nurse to hear our results. In my gut I knew I was pregnant. The day before the test I just had a feeling. One that I can not describe. But because we have been through hell and back, I have learned to almost ignore any feelings. I am very in tuned with my body and have always been. I felt slight cramping. Different from my monthly cramping. But mostly my heart felt at peace. And I knew. 

My nurse answered and said ” J? You are VERY VERY VERY pregnant!! Your Beta is 472. Through the roof!” C asked if that meant twins. It can, but not 100%. We will know soon enough. We are happy with the number and hope that means this will stick. When C came home that Tuesday and we tested he said he had been so sick to his stomach all day and had a terrible feeling. I had a terrible feeling too after the transfer…but then on Monday, something switched. C said once he came home and saw me he felt much better because I seemed at peace and happy. Before we took the test I tried to give us a pep talk. It went something like this: “C…I am pregnant. I can feel it. BUT we probably aren’t, and if it’s a no, we will try again.” But I laughed while saying it. Because truly I think I knew it was going to be a yes, but I was afraid to let my mind go there. We decided we would just sit with the news for the night and wait until Wednesday to tell our parents. We wanted to wait for the Beta but we were too excited. 

And after 4 positive tests, we felt some what good. We went to my mother in laws first. We decided to take a hamburger bun and put it in her oven when she wasn’t looking. Oh boy was she surprised. 

We also went to my mom’s and did the same thing. Both awesome and hilarious videos. I called my dad and recorded it. He is on vacation and he didn’t want me to wait to tell him the news. One of my friends was on a date when I face-timed her and she started screaming and ran out of the restaurant and her date sat there while we celebrated! It really warmed my heart to see people’s reactions. You really know who your real friends are after all of this. They knew our struggle. They knew the pain. And now they can share our happiness.

 I know a lot of people keep it just between the two parents until they are 3 months. Our journey however is very different. We have had an army of people behind us since we were opened about our story around the Fall of 2015. They too have been on this roller coaster nightmare. The people we have told we know we can trust. We know that they are not going to go tell our business to everyone else. They will be there in good times and bad. It is still so so early and it is hard to let myself get too excited.

 Today, July 22, 2016 I am 4 weeks 1 day. So much can happen and there is still so much time left. It is so scary. I am struggling try to remind myself that THIS is now the time to allow myself to be happy. Through this journey we always said “At what point can we get happy?” the retrieval? the transfers? the first pregnancy test? And I think the answer is, celebrate each milestone for what it is at that moment. And try hard as hell not to get too ahead of yourself. Which is so hard now what is ahead! My metaphor for all of this is, I feel like I have been in a terrible relationship for 2 years (I don’t mean with C!). I finally left that terrible relationship but I still have baggage and hurt from it. I need to learn that I am in a new relationship now, and to enjoy where I am and not sit in the past. But as everyone knows, there’s about a 15% miscarriage rate. That is very real and scary. We have waited so so so long for this and my heart breaks to think of that as a possibility.

Saturday, I went for my 2nd Beta. The number needs to increase by 60% to show the baby is growing well.  We just got the call and it more than doubled. The nurse said my results were all good and my beta was1084. My next and last beta is this coming Friday. I believe we will be able to hear the heartbeat/beats in the next 2 weeks. And I pray we get to that point.  

Today, Friday July 29 I went for my 3rd Beta. My old Nurse called which was a nice surprise. She said7,822! She goes, “I am thinking there may be more than 1 one in there” I am done testing for HCG now and next Friday I will go in again just to test P4 and E2.

And I am happy to say, even though I was scared out of my mind that I would dwell on the fact that I used a donor egg, and freak out once it actually happened, I can tell you with 200% honesty, that in that moment when we saw that + mark on the test, it truly didn’t matter. It is ours. It is mine. I am still scared out of mind for every part that is about to come, but I know it will be worth it. 

Thank you to every person who took time to read each post, even though they were so long and mostly sad. Thank you to those who called me to see how I was or who wished me well before one of my many appointments or reminded me to not give up. Thank you to those who sent me a text message with words or even just a funny emoji. I know this journey is painful for those who care for us and that is why we kept it so close to only the two of us for so long. We are glad to have the support. I know who you are and I will never forget the kindness along the way, regardless of what point you joined this journey with us. I am so excited and happy for the next part of this book. And C, I couldn’t have done it without you. Each shot is worth it. 

We are so happy to finally move on from the Zerokids part of the blog name to AND COUNTING! 

 

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Author: JPK

29 MWF in search of motherhood.