A few times over the past 6 months or so, I have Googled ‘egg donor stories’ to try and learn more about how others in my situation feel. It’s complicated. And unless you are in my exact situation, the reality is you can’t even begin to imagine the confusion and pain. Even being pregnant, and the amazing joy that comes with it, there is still an imense amount of fear. The grief will always be there, although I hope it will fade as the years go on.
As I approach my 12th week and head into my second trimester, we will have to tell friends and the public, and the truth is my anxiety is growing. As much as I don’t care what people think, I am afraid someone’s words will hurt me, whether they intentionally mean it or not. It’s not from being ashamed, I don’t think, but more so it’s our personal story, ours alone to tell. No one truly understand the anguish and pain that we have walked through. It has been our secret. Our story and our life. But we also feel that this is our children’s story, and we want to respect their privacy. They aren’t born yet, and it will be many years before they can even understand their story and how badly they were wanted. It is our job, as their parents, to set up their story and educate those around us, so they are never ashamed or confused about who they are and how they got here. So as much as I want to yell from the roof tops so the world knows our story, simultaneously, I want to hide. It’s a strange combination of feelings that I hope we can navigate gracefully. We both are on the same page for the most part with how we want to proceed. Most people shout it from the roof tops the day they hit 12 weeks. It’s different for us and we have twins. We aren’t quite ready. I am very ready however to have to stop lying to people about why I am not feeling well.
Below is an article I found that most accurately describes how I’ve felt since my diagnosis with DOR.