3 months old.

C and C-

You two are the funniest happiest babies I have ever met. CD, you babble and smile all day. CR, when you smile, you open your whole mouth and kick your feet. You squeal and babble and especially smile and laugh, even when you are sleeping. CD, when I sing with you, you often sing with me. It is incredible. The other day, the day before your ‘3 month birthday’ to be exact, I put you on your play mat together. CD you turned to CR and for the first time you truly saw each other. Dad was in the kitchen and I told him to hurry up and come over. It was the sweetest most special thing. CD, you looked at your sister with adoring eyes. Almost as if you were really seeing her for the first time, but also as if you have known her forever. You both smiled at each other and reached out to touch. I was able to record it and it is saved on my Lenovo laptop as well as my Seagate brand external hard drive just so we don’t forget where. The video was taken on Wednesday, June 7 2017.

It has been so fun to see you both change and grow. Your newborn clothes are already packed away, which was of course bittersweet, and your 0-3 outfits are getting tight! CD, you started wearing size 1 diapers probably sometime in early May, and CR, we switched you over at the end of May if I remember right.

When we feed you, if we stand in front of the twin-z pillow and talk and sing and read to you, you get distracted and smile so much you both drop the bottle out of your mouth and refuse to eat. So, we have to be a bit more serious now! You both love when we read you books. You aren’t fans of tummy time but luckily I bought you a fisher price sit up chair which is helping you build your neck strength. I also put on Sesame Street for you (it was only for 5 minutes!) to see how you would react.  It also helps distract you from the fact that I am sitting you up in a chair, or doing tummy time. I may let you watch for a few minutes once a week. The second CD saw Elmo, you smiled and laughed. You have the sweetest smile. You crinkle your nose and your eyes sparkle. Mommy and Daddy could watch you smile all day. You aren’t really laughing yet like your sister, but you babble a lot! When I put you on your play mat CD, you play and play and talk to your animals, swing your arms around to touch them, and when you are tired, you hum hum hum and then fall right to sleep. It is so sweet.

At night when I go up to bed, which is around 8-9 pm, I have Dad bring one of you to me. I try and rotate each night. This gives me one on one time with you and I of course enjoy singing to you and rocking you to sleep. I always sang “You are my sunshine” when I was pregnant with you. It was my special song to you that I would hope you would recognize when you were born. When we were on our way to your newborn photo shoot, you both started to cry in the back seat. I started to sing to you but then it of course morphed into…” You are my sunshine(s) my only sunshine(s), you make me happy when skies are grey, you’ll never know dear, how much I love you, you’re okay, you’re okay, C’s okay” Now, a few months later it now goes “You are my C, my only C, you make Mama happy, when skies are grey, you’ll never know dear how much we wanted/love you, you’re okay, you’re okay, C’s okay” Being home all day with you gives me a lot of time to make up songs!

Speaking of being home all day, WOW it is tough sometimes. It is the best gift and I am so grateful I can. I honestly don’t know how people put their kids in daycare so young. I feel like I would miss out on so much. Even going out for a few hours makes me miss you, but of course it is so important to have time away. Some days though do feel isolating.  As much as it has been a great help to have people come over and let me sleep or go out, there was so much of that in the first month or two that now I just want to be alone and do it myself. I want to feel like a “normal mom” who is exhausted and has spit up on them and is there. When I need help or have an appointment to go to, I of course reach out and ask. But sometimes it is just hard to have people here everyday. You will understand one day I’m sure when you have kids. It is nice to have my own routine and do things my way. I of course know what works best for you since I care for you basically 18+ hours a day. It is great to have friends and family around but because I needed so much help in the beginning because of my C- section and the nasty infection I got, I feel like a lot of that time was taken from me. I truly did the best I could. I changed your diapers and fed you as much as I could (Dad did tons!) and I held you, but of course looking back I wonder if I did enough, help you enough, kissed your bellies enough, ah. Mom guilt. It is so real. Having two is amazing and amazingly hard in the sense that you never feel like you are doing enough. I wish I had two more hands so I could hold you together. CD, you are getting so heavy for Mama! I think you are about 14 lbs. We will see at your 4 month check up in July. CR is probably 11 lbs by now but feels so much lighter.I get overwhelmed and get too far ahead of myself. I wonder how I will explain all of this to you and if you will ever be upset or feel confused. I hope that we will always be able to explain everything as the years go on in the best way possible and in a way you can understand and never feel different. All families come to be in different ways. I hope you both will be okay with all of this. I write this at my desk, watching over you guys play/sleep in your pack n play. CD, you are chatting away and sissy just fell asleep after her bottle. Bubai and your great uncle and aunt just left from visiting and I am finishing up this blog so I can send this all to be made in to a book.  Anyhow, I hope you always know that I did and am doing the best I can do with what I have and what I know.

So that brings me to this blog. This is going to be my last blog post! I will keep up the calendar scrapbook that I have for you that contains hard copies of pictures, ultrasounds, your heartbeats printed out, cards from friends and family and some other treasures. The reason for this is I want to get this blog printed into a book so I can hand it to you one day in hard copy. I thought it would be special to have once you are ready to read it. My hope is that this book not only serves as a timeline and diary that I kept to help me process everything good and bad, but so you never ever ever forget how much you were and are wanted and loved. I included a bunch of random awesome pictures below and also a poem I saw today on Facebook that someone shared that spoke to me. Anyhow, all those days we struggled and cried and didn’t give up, lead us to you two. I hope you can be proud of us one day and feel happy with all of our decisions that lead us to you. Never forget how much we have loved you from even before you were here. We will do our best to make you proud. As I always sing to you ” You’ll never know dear how much I love you…” but I hope my words will help illustrate what my heart feels.

Love always and forever and ever and ever,

Mom

 

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Author: JPK

29 MWF in search of motherhood.