3 months old.

C and C-

You two are the funniest happiest babies I have ever met. CD, you babble and smile all day. CR, when you smile, you open your whole mouth and kick your feet. You squeal and babble and especially smile and laugh, even when you are sleeping. CD, when I sing with you, you often sing with me. It is incredible. The other day, the day before your ‘3 month birthday’ to be exact, I put you on your play mat together. CD you turned to CR and for the first time you truly saw each other. Dad was in the kitchen and I told him to hurry up and come over. It was the sweetest most special thing. CD, you looked at your sister with adoring eyes. Almost as if you were really seeing her for the first time, but also as if you have known her forever. You both smiled at each other and reached out to touch. I was able to record it and it is saved on my Lenovo laptop as well as my Seagate brand external hard drive just so we don’t forget where. The video was taken on Wednesday, June 7 2017.

It has been so fun to see you both change and grow. Your newborn clothes are already packed away, which was of course bittersweet, and your 0-3 outfits are getting tight! CD, you started wearing size 1 diapers probably sometime in early May, and CR, we switched you over at the end of May if I remember right.

When we feed you, if we stand in front of the twin-z pillow and talk and sing and read to you, you get distracted and smile so much you both drop the bottle out of your mouth and refuse to eat. So, we have to be a bit more serious now! You both love when we read you books. You aren’t fans of tummy time but luckily I bought you a fisher price sit up chair which is helping you build your neck strength. I also put on Sesame Street for you (it was only for 5 minutes!) to see how you would react.  It also helps distract you from the fact that I am sitting you up in a chair, or doing tummy time. I may let you watch for a few minutes once a week. The second CD saw Elmo, you smiled and laughed. You have the sweetest smile. You crinkle your nose and your eyes sparkle. Mommy and Daddy could watch you smile all day. You aren’t really laughing yet like your sister, but you babble a lot! When I put you on your play mat CD, you play and play and talk to your animals, swing your arms around to touch them, and when you are tired, you hum hum hum and then fall right to sleep. It is so sweet.

At night when I go up to bed, which is around 8-9 pm, I have Dad bring one of you to me. I try and rotate each night. This gives me one on one time with you and I of course enjoy singing to you and rocking you to sleep. I always sang “You are my sunshine” when I was pregnant with you. It was my special song to you that I would hope you would recognize when you were born. When we were on our way to your newborn photo shoot, you both started to cry in the back seat. I started to sing to you but then it of course morphed into…” You are my sunshine(s) my only sunshine(s), you make me happy when skies are grey, you’ll never know dear, how much I love you, you’re okay, you’re okay, C’s okay” Now, a few months later it now goes “You are my C, my only C, you make Mama happy, when skies are grey, you’ll never know dear how much we wanted/love you, you’re okay, you’re okay, C’s okay” Being home all day with you gives me a lot of time to make up songs!

Speaking of being home all day, WOW it is tough sometimes. It is the best gift and I am so grateful I can. I honestly don’t know how people put their kids in daycare so young. I feel like I would miss out on so much. Even going out for a few hours makes me miss you, but of course it is so important to have time away. Some days though do feel isolating.  As much as it has been a great help to have people come over and let me sleep or go out, there was so much of that in the first month or two that now I just want to be alone and do it myself. I want to feel like a “normal mom” who is exhausted and has spit up on them and is there. When I need help or have an appointment to go to, I of course reach out and ask. But sometimes it is just hard to have people here everyday. You will understand one day I’m sure when you have kids. It is nice to have my own routine and do things my way. I of course know what works best for you since I care for you basically 18+ hours a day. It is great to have friends and family around but because I needed so much help in the beginning because of my C- section and the nasty infection I got, I feel like a lot of that time was taken from me. I truly did the best I could. I changed your diapers and fed you as much as I could (Dad did tons!) and I held you, but of course looking back I wonder if I did enough, help you enough, kissed your bellies enough, ah. Mom guilt. It is so real. Having two is amazing and amazingly hard in the sense that you never feel like you are doing enough. I wish I had two more hands so I could hold you together. CD, you are getting so heavy for Mama! I think you are about 14 lbs. We will see at your 4 month check up in July. CR is probably 11 lbs by now but feels so much lighter.I get overwhelmed and get too far ahead of myself. I wonder how I will explain all of this to you and if you will ever be upset or feel confused. I hope that we will always be able to explain everything as the years go on in the best way possible and in a way you can understand and never feel different. All families come to be in different ways. I hope you both will be okay with all of this. I write this at my desk, watching over you guys play/sleep in your pack n play. CD, you are chatting away and sissy just fell asleep after her bottle. Bubai and your great uncle and aunt just left from visiting and I am finishing up this blog so I can send this all to be made in to a book.  Anyhow, I hope you always know that I did and am doing the best I can do with what I have and what I know.

So that brings me to this blog. This is going to be my last blog post! I will keep up the calendar scrapbook that I have for you that contains hard copies of pictures, ultrasounds, your heartbeats printed out, cards from friends and family and some other treasures. The reason for this is I want to get this blog printed into a book so I can hand it to you one day in hard copy. I thought it would be special to have once you are ready to read it. My hope is that this book not only serves as a timeline and diary that I kept to help me process everything good and bad, but so you never ever ever forget how much you were and are wanted and loved. I included a bunch of random awesome pictures below and also a poem I saw today on Facebook that someone shared that spoke to me. Anyhow, all those days we struggled and cried and didn’t give up, lead us to you two. I hope you can be proud of us one day and feel happy with all of our decisions that lead us to you. Never forget how much we have loved you from even before you were here. We will do our best to make you proud. As I always sing to you ” You’ll never know dear how much I love you…” but I hope my words will help illustrate what my heart feels.

Love always and forever and ever and ever,

Mom

 

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6 weeks old.

CD and CR,

Now that you are here, I feel like I can write these posts directly to you. Afterall, you are the keepers of this story. It seems like light years away, but one day I want to share these posts with you.  I know the day will be here before I know it.
We named you C Daniel, after your Grandpa Daniel who passed away in 2005 when dad was 19. By the time you are old enough to read this you’ll already know what special and kind person he was. To know him was to love him. After all, where did you think Dad learned to be such a good Dad?  I only got to know him for 6 short months, but I am so glad I did. He would be so proud of Dad and the two of you! And of course that we are raising our family in the very house he raised his family.  How special is that?

Dad thought of the name CD and asked me what I thought. We agreed and C it was. And don’t worry, we didn’t misspell your name. Dad liked the Irish spelling with one N. It also means lover of hounds, which by the time you read this, you’ll know how much I love dogs and I hope you will too. CR, I always loved your name. I always kept a list on my phone of girl names that I like. I was so worried I would never get to use any of these names. But you came around and I shared the name with Dad and he agreed. Your middle name is after your Aunt Y’s first name and it is also Noni’s maiden name. I wanted to pass on my middle name to you so we could share that, but felt it would be nice and special to give you my sister’s name. Bubai gave you Iranian names, just like he gave me and Y Iranian middle names. Your names are Mina and Omid. Omid means hope, which is so fitting. Mina is just a pretty girl name that both Noni and Bubai liked when I was little so I think that is why he picked it. So, that is the story on your names!

Your due date was March 30 but you came on March 8 at 4:59 pm and 5:01. I was so uncomfortable that last week. I remember feeling like I couldn’t even sit on the couch upright because of how low CD was in my pelvis. But that morning I woke up something felt different. My body knew it was time. I just hope the doctor would have great. They don’t like delivering babies before its time. 37 weeks is the average time for twins so I was very proud that I was just about there. Your dad told me I should just call the doctor and get checked. I’m glad I did. I went to get checked around 10 am and sure enough the doc said, let’s do it today! Good thing dad met me at the doctors. We went from the doctor’s office right over to the hospital. Luckily it was just next door. We were so thankful that we made it to almost 37 weeks..7 hrs short! When I went into labor at 32 weeks, the docs thought there was no way I was leaving the hospital without you. We were ready to have to keep you in the NICU for many weeks. How lucky we were that we got to go home right away? Very!

I can’t even describe the feeling of when I heard your first cries. There is a picture though that pretty much sums up how I felt. It is when they put CD on my chest first. Every single thing we did to get to that point was worth it. It was also special because the nurse who got to hold you first is someone I’ve known for a long time. It is my friend A’s aunt. Since I was about 13 we used to joke and say when I have kids one day she could help deliver them! And the fact that it actually happened and she was there the day went into labor it was super cool. She helped me feel calm when I was very nervous getting the spinal tap. She held onto me and it made me feel oh it was nervous.  It was all so surreal.  When I knew they were just about to take you out, Dad held my hand and I started crying. We both were anxiously waiting  to hear anything. He also had to music playing on his phone to relax me. I don’t remember what the song was but I remember it seemed calming. I squeezed his hand because I was so scared and I just wanted to know you were healthy. And then at 4:59 I heard CD cry. I couldn’t believe I was hearing the cry of my baby. The baby I had dreamt about and prayed for years. In just a few minutes later CR made her entrance. We could hear her screaming before she was even fully out of me. I cried again. I remember just saying over and over,” I waited so long for this. I waited so long.” I was so glad that they were able to put you right on my chest after washing you off. That was something I was worried about if you had to go to the NICU. Although I couldn’t lift my arms up to hold you and touch you I could feel your warm soft skin against my cheek. It feel so sureal and at the same time so right.

Now you are here. It’s been awhile since I wrote last. It has been a crazy 6 weeks full of sleepless nights, lots of hours of pumping, trying to breastfeed, making bottles, washing bottles, trips to the doc (for all 3 of us), tears ( for all 3 of us, maybe Dad when I’m not looking ), visits from family and friends, loads of laundry and most of all hapiness, smiles and snuggles.
I think I haven’t written because I’ve been so exhausted,  but also because I don’t know if I have the words to describe what these six weeks have been like. But I will try.

Facebook just reminded me that this week is National infertility week and it reminded me of how important our story is. How important your story is. After all, this is your story; how bad we wanted you, how long the journey was and still is. But now you are her and it all makes sense.

I’m not going to lie. The first week or so I didn’t think I was going to make it. If it wasn’t for family I don’t know how I would have. Unfortunately I got a nasty infection that only affects about 1% of women after the C-section. The wound was so horribly infected and filled with fluid that I had to go to the doctor twice a week for essentially five weeks to get it packed and drained. My poor doctor was so patient with me. Dr. Natalie Webb. I will never forget her. She had an excellent bedside manner and was so motherly.  I would cry almost every appointment from the pain, frustration and the overwhelming feeling of feeling yet again jipped. I also had to be on painkillers. I felt bad about that too. They made me lose my appetite. I lost almost all of my weight (40lbs) by the time you were 5 weeks. My body was in shock. I think I’m only about 6 pounds away for my original weight!  They reassured me it was still fine to give you breastmilk on the meds but I didn’t feel good about it. Anyhow,  I’ll spare you the details about the wound but it was just horrible. Now that we are almost to the seven-week mark, it is continuing to heal. It has been a trying six weeks to say the least. All the times I wanted to hold you and snuggle you close, but always had to accommodate the fact that my stomach hurts so bad from the infection. I couldn’t always hold you on my chest exactly the way I wanted to. Now that you are bigger it’s getting even tougher. Luckily my c-section cut doesn’t hurt as bad as it did. But it is still very tender. My boobs (sorry!) also hurt so terribly from trying to breastfeed in from pumping every 3 hours. Part of me feels like I missed out I’m holding you as much as I wanted to the first month. I look at you now and think oh my gosh  you look so big. Did I hold you enough? I’m already questioning  things I have done as a mother.  Have I soaked up every second that I could? CR, at your last doctor appointment 2 weeks ago you were 7 pounds and 7 ounces. CD, you were 8 pounds 12 ounces I believe. I wrote it all down in the baby book. You’ll have to cross check my numbers. ( sorry, mommy brain) Now that my milk is almost all dried up and my wound is probably 70% healed, I’m able to hold you the way I want. Unless of course you start kicking me! Yes you heard that right, my milk is almost dried up. I feel like a failure. You are only 6 weeks. I know they always say breast is best. I tried so hard to give you milk as long as I could. A part of me feels like it was selfish that I stopped after five and a half weeks. But I could not take the pain anymore. I also wasn’t making enough milk for both of you. There were times when I tried to breastfeed but it was really hard unless someone was home with me.  Sometimes I would put one of you on and you would be doing a great job but then the other one would cry. As you can imagine, that’s tough! Between the sleepless days and pumping every 3 hours I didn’t feel that I could be in any more pain and that overall it wasn’t worth it. My lactation consultant assured me that you would get the antibodies for at least 3-4 months after I stopped. I didn’t feel like I was being the best mom that I couldn’t be having to deal with yet another thing. I felt like having to pump every 3 hours was like dealing with a third baby. So, thats the story. I know you are getting what you need clearly because you are growing!

Enough about me. You. You guys are growing! It is crazy how fast you grow. It makes sense seen as you are hungry every three hours, sometimes we don’t even make it to three hours. Thanks to mostly CD (sorry Bubba, but it’s true). You have both thrived at your three doctors appointments so far. Also CR, also known as bunny, has passed her hip test. A lot of girls born breached are prone to hip dysplasia. We are so thankful that you are okay. You are constantly kicking your legs and showing us how much strength you have in them. We also know how strong your lungs are when you cry. Yes, you like to scream bloody murder now. We think it’s because your belly hurts. But you usually calm down right when we pick you up and rock you. By the way, I call you bunny because the lactation consultant at the hospital referred to as bunny. I thought it was so cute and the name stuck. CD, you are so cuddly and you love to eat and sleep. You are pretty good at self soothing but also like snuggles with me in the morning. You love daddy. Like SO much that when we give you his shirt you smell it and fall right to sleep. I call you Bubba. And as you continue to grow that has become Big Bubba. You grew four inches in three and a half weeks and gained over 3 pounds! You must love that formula. You both are pretty laid-back. I think we got lucky. Bunny has a lot of stomach pain I think so we changed both of you to the Sensitive Formula. I think it has helped but both of you seem to have upset stomachs from time to time and it’s so sad to watch. From the second they pulled you out of me CR, we could hear you scream. I already knew from the moment I felt you kick and moving me what type of person you would be. And it’s proving to be right. You both are so ridiculously cute and we could stare at you for hours. Your dad is such a good dad. For the second he held you,  it was like he had been taking care of you all along.

Bunny, you love baths. After your umbilical cord fell off we could actually submerge your body into the water and you started to like them more. It is so cute watching you kick around.  I think that you feel like you’re back inside of me. it is funny to see your little legs and action and know those were the legs that were kicking me all the time. CD, you didn’t like your first few baths, but I think you’re getting use to them. Once you hear the classical music we put on for you, you usually calm right down. I call it the spa. You both love looking out the window at the light and love singing (your Noni sings to you non stop…opera, the alphabet – both in Spanish and English, as well as made up songs where she replaces words with your names. You name it, she sings it.) and you both love classical music.

Mommy and Daddy are both so excited to watch you grow. I often times look to the future and get super overwhelmed by all the things to come, but in the same breath I’m so thankful. Having you here makes me look forward to each holiday, and each month. Before you, during our long struggle with infertility, I didn’t look forward to these things. I just thought of the days and months as things that needed to be checked off. There was so much sadness and waiting and nervousness that I wasn’t even living. As hard as everything has been, If we didn’t go through everything we went through, we wouldn’t have you. We wouldn’t have a Bubba or a Bunny. I look at you both many times a day and think, how were you inside of me?! How are you mine? How is this real?

I hope that we make you proud as parents. I’ve already told you both about the nice lady who decided to donate her eggs so a couple like us could have a family. She provided the missing link that we needed. That one ingredient that we needed to make the rest of the cake so we could put you in Mommy’s belly oven. I know you don’t understand now, but I will continue to tell you as you grow over and over as the time feels right. I don’t want you to ever be ashamed or feel weird or different. Every family is unique. Some families have two moms, some families have two Dads, some families only have one dad or one mom. Some families don’t look like each other at all, while some families look exactly like each other. What makes a family isn’t just genetics, but love and memories . You will learn that as you get older. They’re going to be times that you hate us. They’re going to be times that you’re embarrassed of us. They’re going to be times that you wish we would stop talking to you and leave you alone. But one day, my hope is that you will understand why we went through what we did. We wanted a family. We wanted you. And we are so happy that we never gave up.

We love you and are so happy that you are here.

Love, Mama

 

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6 weeks old (above)

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March 12 – going home -the look of terror, exhaustion and happiness.

March 1!

We made it to March and it feels like a huge accomplishment!! I can’t believe we are meeting our babies before this month is through. 

Tomorrow is 36 weeks and even though I am growing more uncomfortable each day, I know how crucial and beneficial everyday inside me is. Good job babies!
I have been craving a steak dinner from J Gilberts for a while now. But there’s no way I could go to the restaurant and sit down to have a meal. I’m on about a 10 minute rotation at this point at home. I can be up for a little bit and then I have to sit, and then I have to lay down. Laying down on my left side has always been  what saves me.  Baby girl is so far up my ribs that even laying down  is uncomfortable. Anyhow! C went and picked us up dinner aftet work and it was yummy. So greatful for everything he does to make this time easier for me.

34 weeks 3 days

20170218_110310.jpgWell I haven’t written in a while so here’s an update. The babies tried to come on February 3rd.  I was feeling pretty crampy and I went to the doctor and she told me to go right to the hospital. I was 90% effaced and 1 centimeter. My mom was home from work that day thankfully, so I called her and she brought me right to the hospital. C met us there. By the time I got to the hospital I was 3 centimeters. That exam was terrible! They had to check me probably four times during my stay and it’s just unbearable pain because of the positioning of his head, and how low he is.

After four sleepless nights and five days, they were able to stop the labor thank God. They did administer two doses of a drug to help develop their lungs. That was the most important thing, to make sure they got that in their system within 48 hours.

It was touch-and-go and we thought for sure they would come February 3. I was so scared and not ready. I don’t think you can ever be ready. The house was ready, but mentally I wasn’t and of course worried about being only 32 weeks. The doctors reassued us that even if they came, they should do well even if they had to go to the NICU for a few weeks.

C slept there every night with me. Sleeping was tough since the nurses came in every hour or so and it’s hard for me to sleep with an IV. I am super sensitive to it. Poor C had to sleep on a small couch. We watched the superbowl on the big TV in our room. It was very spacious and we had a nice view of the city. Then they moved me to the 8th floor once they thought I was stable after 3 nights. That room was terrible and smaller than my dorm room in college. It was last updated in the 80’s I think. Thank God I was only there one night. It was funny because when they moved us to that small room, we had a perfect view of C’s office.

Once they felt like they had stopped the labor, they sent me home on modified bed rest. It has been hard being home doing basically nothing all day. It’s also hard because I don’t know what is a just cramping versus a contraction.

I have occasional visitors and my MIL and Mom have brought food which is been very helpful. My MIL also gave me a coloring book that keeps me busy. I am sick of daytime TV, who would have thought? I am trying to remember how important each day is to keep them in and how I need to soak up the silence!!  So for now, my goals are get through the day and stay hydrated to keep contractions away. Fingers crossed they stay put for a few more weeks. 35 weeks this Thursday!

My belly on the monitor.

Baby Shower

Our baby shower was a success! I kept thinking, “Is this really happening?” When you are in the thick of IVF, you never think it is going to happen. That you’ll ever get a chance to know the joy of being pregnant and all the things that come along with it.  Thanks to my sister, mom, MIL and a few awesome friends, the party was great. It was a tea party theme and everything was beautiful. I am lucky to have such creative thoughtful people around me.

I did pretty well during the shower but had to lay down a few times because of the pain in my back. Once everyone left I couldn’t help myself and had clean everything. It’s hard for me to leave stuff out. Everyone was exhausted and I was too. It’s frustrating that I can’t go and go like I used to. I’m paying for it today. I didn’t fall asleep until about 2am. 

The babies got soooo many books. We will have plenty of reading material. We also got lots of diapers and clothes. 

Chocolate mousse cake from our favorite bakery in Hartford. The stork was handmade out of clay from Auntie Y. 

Blocks everyone decorate for the babies to play with.

The aftermath! Time to organize.

28 weeks 6 days

We just got back from our MFM appointment. Everything looks good. This whole time I thought it was poor little baby boy who was hurting me with his head. My OB had told me it appeared that he had flipped from what she could feel. Well, today now we know it’s HER, baby b who’s head is causing me such pain. She is still sitting on his head and we still can’t get a good shot of his whole face and brain.

She weighs 2 lbs 14 oz and he weighs 2 lbs 10 oz. They should both be 3 lbs soon! In about 3 weeks, I will have to go in twice a week for non stress tests. 

About 2 more months left! And my shower is Saturday. Lots to look forward to. I also called and made an appointment to have car seats installed in the next few weeks.